Thursday, October 12, 2006

Cloudy days bother me

Today was hell to wake up. It's so weird how clouds outside my house can make it so difficult to get out of bed inside my house. What's the difference? Some may say it is the light issue, not enough sunshine coming through the windows...but I have very heavy curtains that don't let light in regardless. Oh well...I finally got up and went to work...ten minutes late. This bothers me too. My boss usually gets in about five minutes late everyday. So I can usually be the first to the office even if I'm running a little late. But today was different and it looks bad on me. But in all reality, I probably got there only five minutes after she did.

Enough of the whining and complaining...well almost. I was thinking about how a lot of people with Bpd are so creative...artistic or musically. I am not creative. I am not inclined to paint or draw or sing when I'm manic. Instead....I organize. I organize everything. I clean my house, my office, my car. I even reorganize filing systems I've already organized. When I come down from the manic high...I'm not quite sure how the system's like someone else was in my office.

Even in my childhood, I did this. I would put numbers on all my clothes hangers...and have an inventory of all my clothes and which hanger they are supposed to be on. I would schedule a month's worth of outfits that I planned to wear that month. Then I would put alternate choices if the weather was different than planned. The system only lasted a week. All the time and energy in creating a system that I never used.

I like numbers. I plan to be an accountant...just another way for me to organize things. This is not exciting, like becoming a broadway performer or famous artist. But that's all I do that I can enjoy. I guess that it isn't so are paid well.

I feel like I'm just rambling with no cause...I hope that someone somewhere could read this and understand. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who knows what it is like to be me. But that is what my counselor tells me...noone can really know how it feels to me. That sucks...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Day 1

I guess I couldn't think of anything better to put in the title for today. But it might be confusing to readers. This is definitely not "Day 1" of my life as a person suffering from Bipolar Disorder. It's more like Day 4015 (no really...I added it up!).

I could share my entire 11-year history with BpD, but I don't really feel like dragging it all out and I'm sure it will come up sooner or later in this saga. What I plan to do is just start now...make this day one...and see how I do from now on. So...I guess a little introduction wouldn't be too horrible.

My name is Sarah. I am 23 years old, married, and living in Oklahoma. I am currently working full-time for the Residential Life Department at Oklahoma State University while my husband is finishing his degree in Secondary History Education. He is going to be student teaching this spring, then graduating in May. Once we get settled again, I will return to school to get my Masters in Accounting and sit for the CPA exam. We don't have any children and don't plan to have them until we're all settled financially. Until recently, I had a lot of problems with that decision. I've always wanted kids as soon as possible, but I'm slowly realizing that I am definitely not ready for that responsibility yet and I'd like to enjoy my freedom for a few more years. But..that's enough for now...except that I have struggled with BpD since age 12, diagnosed at 15, and been treated with meds and therapy since.

So, this last summer, I slowly slid into the longest depression I've had since before my first manic episode. I guess it just kept getting gradually worse and I wasn't paying attention. When my husband and boss finally convinced me that I was not myself, I went to my pdoc (psychiatrist) for help. Come to find out I had not worked one full week for three months. So, she added Wellbutrin to my regiment of medications. I guess I should let you know what meds I'm on. Here goes:

Lamictal (300mg/day)- mood stabilizer
Clonazepam (1-2mg/day)- anti-anxiety and sleep aid
Lexapro (20mg/day)- antidepressant
Wellbutrin (300mg/day)- antidepressant

Initially, she put me on only 150mg/day of Wellbutrin, but I just wasn't responding to it. I guess I've been feeling better since she upped it five days ago. It's hard to know though. That's where the meaning of the title of this entire blog comes from. I've recently had a lot of time to think, and the only way I can describe how I feel is that my body is fighting itself. It's like the logical, rational part of me (which btw is quite weak right now) is trying as hard as it can to defeat the depressed part of me. The fact that all of this is biological and has to do with chemicals firing off in my brain is difficult, because it is my brain that also gives me reason and basically every other thing I need to survive.

So, how do I feel? I'm not sure. I don't know if I feel better, happier...or if my brain is just playing a trick on me. I don't know if I'm naturally cycling to a happier mood or if it is just the medication boost. I don't know if my actions and behaviors are acceptable and rational yet.

So...basically...I would say that I am still being controlled by BpD, rather than the other way around. I have had times in my life when I was in control, and they were glorious times (I'm not talking about mania...I'm talking about balance). I know it is possible...but for how long...I don't know. It may just come down to my determination to continue maintainance treatment.

All I can do is just take it one day at a my counselor, Cindy, says "Just stay in the moment." Very difficult thing to do...but very applicable to my life.

Another day down, ??? days to go...